Alright, I've been really lazy to blog. Hence, pardon me for my long disappearance from blogging.
It's Lunar New Year now. Firstly, I would like to wish everyone, " 新年快乐, 恭喜发财 and 红包拿多多! " Yea, simply... Huat ah! Ahahahs. Nowadays, instead of saying the usual way, most youngsters would be so straight forward to say, "Huat ah!" Means, good luck? Hmmm... =P
Anyway, the best part of Chinese New Year would be to collect more red packets. I'm sure this is the joy of most unmarried people. But, the worse part of it is to hear the lectures, questions and nagging from your family and relatives which I detest most. Instead of solving problems together as a family, they are adding petrol to the fire. Argh.
This Chinese New Year, I would say it's a bad new year for me. I ain't feeling happy and it ain't going great for me. Can you believe it? On such a special day which was meant to be a happy occasion, I was crying. I cried for days. Not because of joy or happiness but hurt.
On New Year Eve, my sister and family came to my house for reunion dinner. We had steamboat. Then, we later had a talk which was pretty intense and harsh to me. She talked about my studies, my route and my future which I don't wish to hear any of these during Chinese New Year.
Whenever people talk to me about my studies, I don't know why but tears keep flowing down my cheeks. I guess I'm simply too stress about my studies. There's so much fear in me and I've always been pressurizing myself. I hate reality and I'm just a coward who does not dare to face it. (Sounds familiar, Joe? Lolx!) I've always been escaping and running in circles. I'm a damsel in distress. Sigh.
On the 1st day of Chinese New Year, my parents and I went visiting. First, we took a train down to my dad's auntie place in the late morning. Then, we took a cab to grandma's place in the afternoon. It wasn't fun at all. Just the usual get together, sitting in one corner, eating snacks and talked a little bit.
After dinner at my grandma's place, the worse thing happened. My dad was talking about my studies. Instead of cheering me up and giving me encouragements, he was pulling me down all the way. I couldn't stand the pressure from him that I cried. My heart still hurts due to my poor academic results. It's still soft and fragile. Just one small touch and it will bleed. Therefore, just one small remark about studies, my tears would flow.
My cousin, Anna, saw me crying and she brought me inside the room to talk. After a while, my uncle came and talked to me. Things got out of hand. I tried to control my tears from flowing continuously but to no avail. Out of a sudden, I could not breathe. It seems as though as I had a chocked. Then, there came my hysterical attack! I was breathing really hard, trying to catch a gasp of an air. Struggling in one corner where no one could help me. I had to control my breathing and had to overcome it all by myself.
I'd ever watch a cartoon series. Nana, if I still remember it correctly. There was one part in which they mentioned about hyperventilation. "It's like living hell." How true it is! I can't deny this fact but to agree to what it says. I personally feel that it's worse than dying. A person stops living when the heart stops. They might have some difficulties breathing before death but eventually they moved on to another world peacefully. Whereas, hysterical don't bring you to another world where it simply stops your sufferings. It makes you suffer even more and in so much pain.
Hyperventilation occurs when one is under too much stress or feeling anxious. Your breathless rate increases, decreasing the carbon dioxide levels in your blood and causing a fit. Your head hurts while you're gasping for air. Soon, everything starts to numb and you might even collapse. I really hate this weak side of myself. Just like being pulled out from the depths of the ocean, I could finally breathe again. It hurts enough to kill you but you won't die from it. It's such a torture!
I would say that hyperventilation is a lonely 'disease' where no one is able to 'cure' you from it. I had to breathe in through a paper bag as plastic bag makes one feel even worse when it's not properly done. Slow and little breaths should be blown in and out of the paper bag. People around shouldn't fuss and panic or the one suffering would be even more anxious. They have to stay calm and pretend nothing happens. Or, simply leave the one who's suffering alone. Only that, the one who's suffering would be able to calm down. So, yea... It's a lonely 'disease' where one has to overcome all by him or herself.
Alright, enough about hyperventilation, hysterical or anxiety, whatever the terms might be. On the 2nd day of Chinese New Year, I went to my auntie's place for visiting. Relatives then talked to me about my studies and plans. Again, I cried. No matter how hard I tried to control my tears from flowing, it still flows. Sigh. Three days of continuous tears lead me to giddy spells. The rest of my Chinese New Year days, I was feeling down and my emotions were pretty unstable. I seriously wonder when would I achieve my goal and get things right. Sigh.

Anyway, I read Wu Chun's blog and this phrase gave me some encouragement.

"Never lose hope if you believe in something or you want to achieve something. Never give up because there is always a chance as long as your heart doesn't stop pounding!"

[Lingz- Signing Off~]